Thursday, November 01, 2007

This blog will now cease to exist

Due to circumstances beyond my control, and much against my wishes, I have to announce that this blog will, as of now (1 November 2007) cease to exist.

Any future blog started by me will be under a different name, in order to avoid the insults received on this blog.

To those innocent readers, I thank you for reading my stories. To those others, you won't know if and when I decide to start another blog.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


You do NOT want to know what a disabled pal of mine did when she came down the day my beloved David died. The day following we decided to go out to the local shopping centre, just for some relief.

We had to get people to help get her chair into her Land Rover - and explain how to dismantle Tonto and get him in as well.

Oh. Forgetting the fact that I couldn't get into the thing (the Land Rover) because it was too high, so I kept sort of slipping off.

Not to mention trying to get out.

Help help help - where is the ground? I can't see it.

Oh, what fun we had, and how it helped stop the tears. Because her long divorced husband, but still the father of her children, had died a couple of days before my beloved David.

Who is watching over all of us, with his beautiful smile.

Sleep well, David.

Monday, December 04, 2006

And the sun is shining

I'm sitting here with the door wide open. The sun is streaming in - HRH is sitting outside watching with interest the Mourning tents being dismantled next door, all the chairs sorted as to which belonged to whom and which to the Moshav.

There are four overflowing wheelie bins outside my house (well they needed the pavement next door for the extra chairs and benches). Cartons/plastic bottles/you name it, galore, waiting for the Local Authority to come and do a special pick up. And then I will have to rescue my own wheelie bin from the others!

And the sun is shining.

Today is the final official day of mourning for my beloved David, and as the sun shines on me now, so can I feel him smiling at me and see his beautiful face.

And the sun is shining.

Time for tears have gone. We had a week first mourning and then rejoicing in the life of the most wonderful man. A Tzaddik (a wise man). A Rabbi. A teacher. And pupils of his from the year dot came from all over Israel to say goodbye to him and pay their respects.

And the sun is shining and we can begin to smile again.

L'hitraot my friend. My brother-in-heart.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Trouble with Men

MENtal illness,
and when we have real trouble it's a HISterectomy! Ever notice how women's problems start with MEN?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

How to get rid of a man

How to turn men down - with style!
HE Can I buy you a drink?
SHE Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE I'm a photographer.. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE Hi. Didn't we go on a date once or was it twice?
SHE Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE I must've been given your share.

HE Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE Your face must turn a few heads
SHE And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE Okay, get out.

HE I think I could make you very happy
SHE Why? Are you leaving?

HE What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE Can I have your name?
SHE Why? Don't you already have one?

HE Shall we go see a movie?
SHE I've already seen it.

HE Where have you been all my life?
SHE Hiding from you.

HE Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE Is this seat empty?
SHE Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE So, what do you do for a living?
SHE I'm a female impersonator.

HE Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE Do not enter.

HE If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE Where have you been all my life?
SHE Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Letter to a friend.....

Did I get my veggies? Are you joking? No, not courgettes (I've got home-frozen ones in the freezer and it isn't hot veggie weather). I came back from the macolet with the following:

In Tonto's tray under the seat:

2 or 3 or 4 (forget) litres of fresh orange juice. Not made from concentrated & water but fresh pasteurised. 2 tins of chickpeas. 3 tins of champignon mushrooms (a pack of 3 on special) (NO, NOT THAT pack of 3!). 2 tins of sliced mushrooms. 2 tins of tiny garden peas. (all tins for use cold in salads). Forget what else. Oh yes, 2 jars of the speshullist mayo in the world. And a kilo bag of carrots balanced somehow.

On one arm of Tonto. A bag with 6 peaches. Ditto with 6 nectarines. On other arm. Ditto with 6 huge plums. Ditto with ton of vine cherry toms.

Front little basket. 12 assorted yogs. And something else - forget.

On footrest - with my legs sort of draped over them. One bag with 2 large white cabbages. Ditto with 2 massive caulis. Bags held on by bungee cord looped over steering wotsit.

And balanced on Lexie (who was on my lap), the steering wotsit, and the basket was a pack of 48 bogrolls.

Don't forget, Tonto is a very TINY little scooter, the sort that folds up and fits into a car boot.

Drove home VERY s l o w l y, holding on the bogrolls with one hand and steering and driving with the other. Mind you, it was only across the little road and down my ramp. Put key in door, open door slightly and put key in inside of door.

Problem. Front door isn't proper front door width. It's interior door width. Come to think of it, it IS an interior door. I had the doorframe moved and the new door so that it opens outwards to make life easier, and the sort of step up into the house is now an ickle slope up.
So I have to drive round the patio until I am facing dead on to the door, and go whoooosh into the house.

Problem. Narrow doorway plus bags on each arm equals a bit dodgy. Bog rolls fell off in front on Tonto. HELLUP HELLUP HELLUP. Sat having hysterics. Laf laf laf.

Then one of the bags on the footrest rolled off and the leg that was resting on it went flop down and caused even more width to get through a narrow doorway.

Have you stopped laughing yet?

Eventually got in. Got stuff put away. Luckily I have a humungous fridge as all fruit and veggies live in the fridge. Opened cupboard in back room to put tins away and one that was inside jumped out and hit my foot. Sod it.

OMIGAWD. I forgot to buy apples.

Right - well, you DID ask if I got my veggies.....................

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Joke of the day

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three
inches... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down
three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I wil l grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down
three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and
grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake,but I
can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly
goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear
grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time...Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps
for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots
that bear..and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can
have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
the bear grabs the fish...
the hunter shoots the bear...
the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
the cat jumps for the mouse...
the mouse ducks...
the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches ...

some "cat" is in serious danger.